Shocking Marriage

Let’s be honest. When you find yourself in an argument with your spouse, your initial thought is that you are 100% right, and your spouse is 100% wrong. Your goal is to point out the error in their behavior or thinking and convince them to think like you do. The problem is that they typically think the exact same way, except with the blame shifted back at you.

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I was part of a reconciliation effort once with a group I was a member of. An outside counselor explained to our group that while there may be clear blame to place, it is never 100% on one side or the other. In extreme cases it might be 90% blame here and only 10% blame there, but in any case there is some fault that can be found on both sides of the conflict.

Before true peace can be realized, both parties must acknowledge and own their own issues. Once that has been done, they need to sincerely seek forgiveness. When this happens, an issue can truly be resolved and a couple can move beyond it. When this doesn’t happen, the proverbial pendulum begins to swing back the other way.  Lets look at an example.

Bill and Sue have been married for seven years and have three young children. Two years after the birth of their third child, Bill feels that all intimacy (sex) has vanished from their relationship. Sue’s total world seems to be focused on the children, and seems to have little time or energy for his needs. From Bill’s perspective, he is still a young man and has legitimate physical needs. He ‘s not looking for an outlet aside from his marriage, but in a moment of weakness one finds him. At first he is racked with guilt, but he begins to justify his actions due to the lack of affection from his wife. In time, Sue discovers the affair and calls him out on it.

Threatened with divorce, Bill snaps back to reality and sees what he stands to lose. In that moment, he knows he was wrong, admits to everything, ends the external relationship and vows to never stray again. At this point he is accepting 100% of the blame. Over the coming months Bill works hard to reconcile and to win Sue back into his life. In time, he is “forgiven” and the daily conflict subsides.

It’s about this time when he realizes that nothing has happened to restore the physical intimacy that he continues to crave. He begins to think back to the feelings he had before his affair and resentment starts to build. In his mind he has bent over backwards to atone for his wrongs, but Sue has done nothing to recognize her role in the situation. Though he fights it, his mind begins to wander once again…

While this is an extreme (but unfortunately not uncommon) example, there’s a point here to learn from. Bill’s behaviors and choices were inexcusable and it will take time and concerted effort to restore relationship between he and Sue. But for ultimate healing to take place, Sue will have to take a hard, hones look at herself to see what role she had in the situation. Even if Bill was 95% to blame, Sue shared a small portion herself. If this is not addressed, the couple runs the risk of Bill returning to his straying lifestyle.

It is important to note that this is not an effort to assign blame, but rather to encourage taking responsibility for each of our actions. When we find ourselves in conflict with our spouse it is important to realize that we are responsible for some portion (albeit a very small one sometimes) of the problem. When we own up to that and seek forgiveness for our issues the relationship can be restored. Sometimes it can be made better than ever!

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you are granting forgiveness to your spouse, ask yourself, “Is there something I need to ask forgiveness for as well?” You’ll be amazed how far that will go toward true reconciliation.

John 3:20 says “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed”. In many instances, spouses have numerous secrets that they keep from one another. There’s just certain things that they want to keep in the dark.

In some cases, marriages start off with an agreement to this effect with separate checking accounts, separate social circles, even separate vacations. It’s an attitude of “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is yours”.  It could be argued that when taken to this extreme a marriage doesn’t really exist. There’s no coming together, no one-flesh attitude. It’s strictly an arrangement to live together as long as each partner sees some benefit. It’s easy to bring together and its easy to dissolve later.

But for most marriages, the separateness is far less obvious.  Darkness creeps in. It could start out simply enough; a small purchase that he doesn’t need to know about or innocent flirtation with a secretary at work. It might involve parenting – “Okay, I’ll let you do this, but don’t tell your mother…” The thinking is there is no reason to raise an issue that could cause strife or conflict. The act is justified in the name of protecting the spouse from angst.

Technology plays a big role in our culture and in our attitudes toward privacy. It used to be that you had to have physical contact with another person in order to get involved in a compromising manner. Not any more.  How many couples do you know have had issues with “emotional affairs” online? They start out innocently enough – just connecting with an old “friend” on Facebook. Until such a time that you find that friend is now divorced and begins expressing their long suppressed feelings for you. Suddenly, you’re getting flirtation and compliments that you don’t receive from your spouse… And you get sucked in to feelings and behaviors that were never intended.

Physical affairs still happen as well. How often are those discovered when a string of text messages are found on a cell phone? I can personally think of five different marriages where a discovery of this type either started the path toward divorce or at least significant damage.

So how can this be avoided? First, by recognizing that marriage is unlike any other relationship. God designed marriage and intended for two people to become one-flesh. One of the keys to this notion is that one flesh cannot keep secrets from itself! In a true one-flesh relationship, there is no “mine” and “yours”, there is simply “ours”. The light shines on everything.

My marriage is not perfect (none are), but we really try to not keep secrets by keeping our lives in the light. We have a joint checking account, we know each other’s passwords for our cell phones, emails and all social media accounts. We don’t spend time regularly checking out each others accounts, but we know that we could if we wanted to.

When we’re struggling with an issue, we openly share it with the other. My wife knows immediately if something is bothering me – as if she can sense it in herself and vice versa. That leads to a conversation – bringing the issue into the light.

What areas of darkness exist within your marriage? How can you eliminate these by shining light on them? Total trust can only exist within the light, something every marriage should strive for.

       God designed marriage to be like no other relationship, yet most couples go through life taking their spouse for granted. No matter where your marriage is today, this book will help you take it to the next level.

This is the perfect book to work through with your spouse or to study as a small group. In this you will find life-tested advice to help you get the most out of your marriage. You deserve a Shocking Marriage – let me help you get there today!

Click here to purchase your copy now!

             After writing this blog for 10+ years, I finally decided to write a book. The Shocking Marriage Series will include books that contain many of the life lessons provided in this blog over the years. The first book “Rules of Engagement” provides a structured way to be proactive in a marriage by anticipating and planning for issues before they arise. While the notion for this concept originated in marital conflict, the book provides readers with suggested approaches to topics such as communication, intimacy, grief, dealing with outside influences and parenting. Life has taught me that the “heat of the moment” is not the ideal time to figure out how to act or know what to say or do. Taking the time to create some guidelines for your relationship in a “calm” time is an essential step in creating a Shocking Marriage that continues to get better over the years.

Using scripture and God’s design for marriage as a backdrop, this book will enable couples to incorporate tactical agreements in their marriage that can help them get through rough times and ensure that great times remain plentiful.

The book should be available in bookstores and on Amazon.com starting in May 2018.